Get Curious, Compassionate, and Find Your North Star
A path to healing Your relationship with your body
“How do we heal our relationships with our bodies?” I was asked this question recently. You may be wondering who would be so presumptuous to ask such an enormous question! Fortunately, the person who asked me to consider this immense question heads up an organization that tackles the problem of body dissatisfaction in children and teens and selflessly commits herself to the work. Otherwise, I may have ignored her question and the challenge that it posed. Most people, in nearly all cultures, spend the grand majority of their lives swimming in the seas of body dissatisfaction and even hatred. Therefore, the notion that there could be a map toward healing sounded highly improbable. Be this as it may, it became an opportunity for me to get into the metaphorical deep end of what it means to befriend our bodies.
It feels that the culture around us would need to change for any individual to attempt to tackle personal healing. And, yet, many experts in the field work tirelessly to point us towards healing ourselves and our relationship with our bodies as a means to changing the culture. Sonya Renee Taylor, the author of, The Body is not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love wrote,
“When we decide that people’s bodies are wrong because we don’t understand them, we are trying to avoid the discomfort of divesting from an entire body-shame system.” — Sonya Renee Taylor
She believes that it is through self-love that we achieve true divestment and that we regain our personal power. Like dominos falling, one by one, each individual affects one another thereby possessing the potential to create a completely new culture.
What, then, is the secret to healing our challenging relationships with our bodies?
First, like scientists, we must become aware of our feelings and thoughts about our bodies. We need to begin to observe our inner narrative like we are on a data collection mission. Some of our social and familial conditioning is so deeply entrenched in us that we are not even aware of it. And, when you become aware of some of the ways that you may be putting your body down or you notice the amount of time that you spend on controlling your body, it can be quite painful. Awareness, however, is a huge first step!
As you become increasingly aware, it is important to notice that when you are experiencing a lot of body self-criticism, it is coming from a part of you that is protective. If you felt dependent love or care from a parent who was afraid of your body size or your appetite, your own self-criticism likely felt like it kept you in good favor with that parent. If you felt like you fit in with your culture or peers by staying a certain size, the harmful body messaging was a tool used to gain acceptance and tolerance from others. Understanding your harsh inner critical voice as outdated protective messages has the potential for igniting self-compassion. While the noise in your head might feel like an unkind drill sergeant at times, knowing that it developed to protect you can make you feel more curious and compassionate towards it. When you notice body dissatisfaction or controlling thoughts, you can reassure yourself, send yourself love, and comfort yourself in your own compassionate understanding. Without this compassion, you continue on a rollercoaster of self-deprecation, control, and restriction and/or emotional eating. Exercising reassuring, comforting, and loving compassion can feel awkward at first. Merely remind yourself that you are okay and that you love yourself… and really feel it. In time, you will want to feel this self-compassion as it is like putting on a warm, soft blanket when you are tired and cold. It always feels good!
While practicing awareness with compassion, space develops in your psyche to expand your understanding of your body beyond appearances. Get in touch with what works about your body and foster gratitude for its abilities. Take great care in how you speak about your body and other peoples’ bodies. Honor your body as a sacred home for your soul.
Inevitably, you will meet up with some resistance.
If a conditioned way of thinking about your body developed with your ancestors and you swam in the sea of body dissatisfaction for your entire life, the healing may be quite slow! That is to be expected. If you can notice small improvements in how you feel about yourself or your language or behaviors, consider it a real win and acknowledge the work that you are putting in towards healing yourself! Truly, take a moment to feel proud of yourself.
When I work with clients on healing their harmful messages about their bodies, often they will come up against fear. The fear often sounds something like this: “If I stop feeling bad about my body size or if I stop trying to control myself, I am afraid that I will gain weight!” The fear causes them to enter into healing in a half-hearted way, not totally convinced of what will come of them if, in fact, they actually healed and eradicated these messages. It makes so much sense that this fear would arise as many people have never learned to trust their bodies or their appetites. They have never practiced self-discipline; they have only known restriction. Getting to know and trust your body and its signals becomes the new learning path. Healing your body dissatisfaction does not mean that you suddenly don’t care about your body or how you eat and move. You actually begin to care for your body in a much deeper and more meaningful way!
Find your North Star
As body size and appearance move out of your focus, it can be really helpful to develop a North Star or a new focus. Ask yourself, how you would like to feel about your body at a certain age in the future. For many years, I have taken hiking trips with my husband and stayed at Bed and Breakfasts with beautiful natural surroundings. So often, I will notice an older couple picking out the breakfast of their choice as they map out their hike for the day. My North Star has been to be like them one day. I imagine that they are not focused on how they look but rather on how they move and feel. Keeping your own North Star in mind allows you to refocus when you experience fear or resistance in the healing process.
Finding a path to healing your relationship with your body is very challenging and meaningful work. It ends up seeping into other areas of your life and you feel more freed up from constraints that no longer serve you. The most important step to take is the first one, a desire to feel good about yourself. Just imagine a world where our youth are not burdened with messages of self-hatred about their body size, appearance, or any elements of their social identities. Healing your own internal messaging gets us closer to this new world.