A Paradoxical Look at Therapy and Healing

Back when I was an Obstetrics and Gynecology resident and new wife, I would return from a long work shift with my arm outstretched and my finger pointed. I pointed at all of the things that appeared out of place and messy in our small apartment as my husband greeted my exhausted body at the door. I had survived a sleep-deprived 48 hours of emergencies and chaos. I craved control over something, anything, and that something became my home environment. After sleep, I felt guilty about greeting my husband in this manner. I wanted instead to arrive home with both arms outstretched for a loving embrace. I wanted to change!

It is easy to feel we need to change. We misbehave, we have unpleasant thoughts and our emotions can feel painful to access. It makes sense that change has been our guiding light in the fields of psychology and counseling. If we can only change ourselves in small and large ways, we can resolve our issues. The more that I have seen patients during my career in medicine and counseling, the more I think that this notion is flawed.

Don’t get me wrong, change is wonderful. When we can deal with our lives differently and more healthily, it is a great feat. What I am getting at is that change occurs most readily and gently when change is not actually what we are immediately aiming for. When we strive for change, we often shame ourselves. Our current condition is not good enough. We are not acceptable. We believe that we will love ourselves only once we have changed. We withhold our self-love as a prize to be won for our work towards something new. And if we don’t change, well then… no love.

Paradoxically, holding out on our self-acceptance and love to make change is like expecting a car to run on a rusty and corroded motor. The rust and corrosion are made up of all of the things that we dislike about ourselves and try to hide away with our hatred. We can change the oil, fill our tank with gas, polish the seats, and wash the car until it is sparkling clean, and still, it will continue to run in the same way. Additionally, a great deal of energy has been spent trying to make it run! Integration and self-acceptance serve to attend to the motor. How can we examine the motor and get to the heart of what needs our attention? We can only move away the rust and debris as we accept all that is there and compassionately attend to it. In essence, integration is a far more easeful way of healing. What if we just looked to integrate who we are more fully? To me, this is the essence of healing.

Love serves as a binding force and brings together all of our good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. Acceptance of what is “under the hood” enables us to build our self-love. The process can be painful. Often, we have kept ourselves compartmentalized to protect ourselves from feeling pain. We have taken the parts of ourselves that we don’t particularly like, separated them, and coated them in self-loathing. Much like the rusty motor, it protects us from seeing what is going on underneath the coating. And then, our coated parts affect our entire system. Examining the discarded and unwanted parts of ourselves is unpleasant. These parts are often aspects of ourselves that were not tolerated by our family systems or our culture. When we are brave enough to examine these parts without judgment, we move towards integrating them and no longer hiding them away.

Feeling out of control for me was unacceptable. I coated this part in rust and tucked it away. And I didn’t quite function as well because of it. My behavior did not match my values when I demanded control in my shared home. As I have become more curious about this behavior, as opposed to fighting within myself to change it, I have noticed a shift. When I try to control my environment now, I giggle at myself with the knowledge that I am feeling out of control. Often, this obviates the behavior entirely. I sometimes still point at a mess with my finger, but I can do so now and simultaneously communicate to my family, “ignore me right now… I’m controlling things”. What a relief!

This process can be highly amusing if we allow it to be! “Ah yes, I am this way” can become a healing mantra. Selfish — check, stubborn — check, controlling — you betcha. Amusement takes the sting out of the examination. It also removes the disdain. Instead, we are experiencing ourselves more softly. We acknowledge our ways with an understanding that they likely developed for a damn good reason and now they feel protective. The pain developed because expressing these parts of ourselves has been shamed by others and now we shame ourselves.

What if we even accept that these unwelcome qualities feel good at times too? It might be regressive to utilize an old way of doing things such as being hyper-controlling, but it can feel very comforting. Instead of feeling bad about ourselves that this is so, we can acknowledge that this familiar way of behaving and feeling feels comforting. Accepting the parts of ourselves that we are outgrowing before they are completely outgrown eases our healing process. From an easeful place, we can let go of what is no longer helpful to us because we aren’t hiding from it any longer.

Importantly, true integrative healing invites deep connection with others. We share so many of the same attributes and ways of coping. When we can accept more of ourselves, we naturally accept more in others too. It makes our relationships more authentic and enjoyable. We desire to see others completely and without an expectation of perfection. In essence, loving all of ourselves creates a more loving universe.

When you are looking to change, see how it feels to deeply accept the parts of you that are “problematic”. An integrative healing approach invites experimentation. Decide for yourselves if the path of integrative healing brings about growth and change in your life.